Today I found this exchange on Facebook which made me laugh. So I wanted to share it with you, just for fun.
* By Jessica Gerson-Neeves in a Facebook post
I feel like I should preface this by telling you that what follows is probably going to be the weirdest contact you’ve ever received, and it’s definitely the weirdest contact I’ve ever sent. I apologize in advance for literally everything I’m about to tell you.
My name is Jessica Gerson-Neeves, and my wife Nikii Gerson-Neeves and I have coveted a Vitamix for several years now, as I have a chronic disease that makes fiber very difficult for me to digest and my wife is an avowed lover of smoothies. Black Friday sales offered us the opportunity we hadn’t found earlier, and we finally ordered a Vitamix from Amazon the day after Thanksgiving. We were quite delighted when it arrived on our doorstep several weeks ago, and immediately brought it inside and absently set it down on the kitchen floor “just for a quick second.” That was our first mistake, and this is where things get weird.
We are the devoted servants of a trio of cats who go by the names of Max; George, Destroyer of Worlds; and Lando Calrissian. Mere seconds after setting down the Vitamix box, in the moments before we would’ve opened it and happily put our exciting new blender to use, Max (also known as the sentient soccer ball) spotted the box and, assuming it was for him, hopped right up on top.
And that was the beginning of the end.
That moment was two and a half weeks ago, and since then, the Vitamix box has been occupied by at least one and sometimes two cats at all times. With three cats and only two humans in the household, the humans are outnumbered and (being giant suckers), both frightened of and unwilling to forcibly relocate the offending cats.
Yes, we realize we’re absolute madwomen, and yes, we are both ashamed and sorry.
Long before we realized what this would turn into, I snapped a picture of Max atop the Vitamix that first day and posted it to a cat group on Facebook that goes by the name of THIS CAT IS C H O N K Y. The group boasts nearly a million members, and the post immediately took off. Since then, I have been faithfully documenting the whole sordid saga each day with photographs and accompanying prose. I am attaching to this email a curated selection of these posts and the pictures that accompany them so that you can get a sense of how the situation, now known widely as The Great Vitamix Incident of 2021 and/or Appliancegate, has developed.
Incidentally, I should mention here that of the five-to-ten thousand people following the saga, we are aware of at least a few who have now ordered their own Vitamixes, and hundreds of them are now seeing targeted ads for Vitamixes (Vitamices? We’re not quite sure of the appropriate pluralization). You’re welcome for the deeply strange free publicity?
We write to you because it has become clear at this point that without herculean intervention, we’re never going to get to use the new blender we’ve been longing for for years. Despite what many people have suggested, we aren’t writing to request additional Vitamixes—that would be ridiculous, and while we’re definitely ridiculous, we’re not quite that ridiculous.
No, we’re writing with a stranger but far less expensive request.
Is there—I cannot believe I am honestly asking this—any possibility at all that y’all would be willing to send us three (the number is very important, as there are three cats and we need there to be one extra so we can hopefully get the actual blender out of the box) empty Vitamix boxes? Other cardboard boxes seem to lack the appeal of the Vitamix box, and since, much like your wonderful blenders, this stand-off seems to be Built To Last, we’re afraid that this may be our only way out of the situation in which we find ourselves.
In case you are wondering, yes, I am ashamed of both writing and posting this letter. I both dread and look forward to hearing your response, and encourage you (as I’m sure you are finding yourself with the urge to do so) to spread it to your colleagues as widely as you would like in order to laugh at the absolutely bonkers middle-aged lesbians who are losing a stand-off with their cats.
Yes, we are a stereotype.
If by some miracle you are actually willing to fulfill the weirdest request ever, please let us know and I will be happy to send along our mailing address. And if, by some miracle, you have the urge to use any of the pictures, (which I have censored, I apologize for my foul mouth) posts in your marketing, at least let us know in advance, so we’re aware that more of the world is going to witness our shame.
With desperation and many, many apologies,
Thank you for reaching out. This issue is not one to be handled lightly. We’ve assessed your predicament and have come to the following conclusion.
Firstly, we’re firm believers that you cannot move a cat from its post. Doing so results in penultimate despair.
Secondly, our great engineers designed these boxes for ultimate protection of the Vitamix unit. Little did they know, the possibility of a chonkier unit atop the unopened box would pose a problem. We’ll chat with them later. 😉
Thirdly, we’ve contacted our support team to stop what they’re doing and #SENDTHEBOXES. 🌈
Send us a private message when you get a chance so we can get your contact information over to our team.